Strong or Stubborn

I've  been in a bit of a slump lately, which I guess is probably why I haven't posted in a bit. This morning I woke up again with pain all over my body. I don't like to whine or complain, and I certainly can't just sit around feeling sorry for myself as there is entirely too much to do every day of my life, but here I am drinking my coffee and feeling sorry for myself. 

The truth is that I don't really feel sorry for myself as much as I'm just over this whole  inflammation thing. You know what the odd thing about it is, though. I don't think I've prayed about it a single time since this most recent flair began. Why in the world would I sit here continuing to be in pain, avoiding talking about it, and even avoiding praying about it. It's not that I don't think praying will matter. I know it will. I know that even if the pain doesn't go away, that I will be given the grace to deal with it and a way to turn my slump around, but maybe I don't want to. Maybe I just want to sit here feeling like this so I have an excuse. I don't know what I need an excuse for other than doing nothing, but maybe that is exactly what I want. The irony is, though, that I could use this excuse to call in to work, lie on the couch all day watching TV, or sit here reading a book, but I won't. 

This all made me think about what our priest talked about on Sunday. The whole "false humility" thing that seems to be more and more predominant. People "humble" themselves to the point of ridiculousness only for the purpose of other people saying "oh, wow, look how much you do for everyone" or "oh, how wonderful that you do so much for others", and what it really all is is a sense of pride in themselves that they are seeking. It is pride masked by humility. How does that relate to my issue? I think it is sort of the same thing, only my thing isn't humility, it's strength. 

I can't be weak. I refuse to be seen as the one who needs medication, or the one who needs help. My body may be hurting all day every day to the point of exhaustion, but you better believe I can handle it. I, my friends, am Super Woman, and NOTHING is going to convince me otherwise.  Sigh....

So, here it is, right? Deep down, even praying is a sign of weakness. When the ONE thing that will probably make the biggest difference in all of this is prayer, I have avoided praying. While Jesus stands there patiently waiting for me to turn this over to Him, I am being strong (stubborn) and refusing to let Him have it. Isn't that crazy? I agree.  Now that I've realized this, and confessed it to you, I am going to pray. 

"Dear Lord, during this trial,
I offer up to you my confusion
Give me clarity
I offer up to you my despair
Give me hope
I offer up to you my weakness
Give me strength
I offer up to you my pettiness
Give me generosity of spirit.
I offer up to you all my
Negative thoughts from Satan
So that when he asks ‘Where is Your God now?”
I may respond “Right here with me, giving me His grace
As a Heavenly beam of light penetrating your darkness!"